Log in

06 March 2012 @ 12:44 pm
This Post Makes Me Sick  
My kids have been sick for two WEEKS now. Two WEEKS. And I don't mean midly impolite wet coughing, because we've all had chest crud for the last month. I mean full-blown, where's-the-bucket, make-a-bed-on-the-sofa, DVDs-going-at-all-hours, we're-outta-Sprite SICK.

My high school health teacher was an R.N. and she always said everyone has their kryptonite body fluid. All of them are gross, but everyone has one they really can't stand. She told us hers was sputum, and that whenever she needed to deal with a patient with a lung problem, she'd suit up with face mask and gloves.

Mine is fecal matter. It is no accident (ha) that its existence forms the basis for swear words in many languages. Coincidentally, they happen to be my favorite swears, too. I usually agree with the statement that swear words are what people use when they don't bother using their brain. I feel that way about the F-bomb and do NOT tolerate using the Lord's name in vain in my home.

But....excremental words...well...they seem so inappropriately appropriate sometimes. Because bad things happen, often cyclically, usually as a consequence of earlier actions. They're all over the place, including on the bottom of your shoe. They stink, and we are all guilty of perpetrating them.

So. It's not just a cussword, it's a metaphor. When I say that word, I am feeling, "Oh, the mortal condition, how deeply it dismays me." I'm just using a more contracted form that I can say through gritted teeth.

Oh, and in French! I love saying it in French. Because then when I say, "Pardon my French" I really mean it! And in German. I am a polyglot potty mouth.

Dragoon's body fluid he can't stand is vomit. When our oldest was little, if there was vomiting going on, he was outta there. "I'm off to the Holiday Inn! Let me know when the rotavirus lets up!"

It's not because he's precious. He would immediately get sick, too. I mean, he really couldn't be around it. You remember the blueberry pie scene in Stand By Me? Nuff said.

I used to have a total OCD fecal-contamination thing about poop--I mean, scrubbing the toilet meant 30 minutes of work, followed by Clorox-laden purification rituals, repeated handwashings, mild sobbing and nightmares.

We agreed to swap. I clean up the puke, he cleans up the poo. Isn't that love? Makes me want to sing a hymn. That's how it's been for the last 12 years, up until we had Dove.

Lately we've both noticed that we are just too tired to care. 6 kids, 2 cats, 1 dog, countless body-fluid messes. We're just too tired to be neurotic.

I knew apathy had to have an upside! (I just didn't bother looking for it.)

Last night, after Day 15 of children throwing up in the home, we were eating dinner in the dining room while Honeybee repeatedly, noisily was sick in the living room.

I sat bolt upright and looked at Dragoon, waiting...for the reaction...

He calmly looked back at me, eating his soup. "What?" He was totally fine. It was amazing. It was like when Hellen Keller suddenly starts signing "water". The man just sat there....EATING. And smiling.

Marriage and family truly are refining, educational things.

I've gotten better too. Why, I can take care of poo accidents now without washing my hands more than 3 times and without crying! Or yelling! Well, I don't yell as MUCH. Not about the poo, anyway.

We're both glad that we've relaxed, because we both can use the extra bandwidth.

Maybe this is what farmers feel like? "Another day, another cowpat"? After awhile, it's just so much energy to freak out about another blob of nameless whatever dripping down your front.

I don't know how I'd do in an uncontrolled environment, though, without disposal mechanisms for taking care of poop. As I was writing this post, the universe thought it would be funny to make my washer stop working. $#!*
onijitsu: Oni64onijitsu on March 23rd, 2012 08:19 pm (UTC)
Been there, washed body fluids outta the T-shirt
Hey, didja know that other primates, when taught to "speak" using sign language or pictograms, come up with their own swear words and insults, amazingly much like our own? Is this a sign of their cleverness once elevated to linguistic communication, or some comment on the state of the Natural Man, when a gorilla calls someone "poo head?"

My own kryptonite, BTW, is also vomit. Really sucks that our littlest gets car sick so easily. Thank goodness we're given people to tag-team the rotten things with!